Speaker, continuing in this light-hearted vein, I am going to try to crack 15 jokes in four minutes!
We had the Rugby World Cup this year and, therefore, on this final day - and it has happened once before - I think it is appropriate to select a parliamentary rugby team based on their performance during this season in this House.
The fullback - a very important position - is the hon Pravin Gordhan. His ability to take high balls coming from all angles and corners on his own, and return them safely without hurting his deficit too much, creates overall confidence in the ability of the team.
On the one wing is the hon Fikile Mbalula. He is an energetic player. [Interjections.] He is not in favour of quotas. But after the sport indaba reintroduced quotas, he is now, unfortunately, our quota player. [Laughter.]
The other wing is the hon Lindiwe Mazibuko. She is the youngest player on the squad. Despite her physique, she is very fast from behind. [Laughter.] She likes to take high balls and, against all odds, scores every time in the corner. In the midfield, you must be able to attack and defend. In 1995 we had to stop Jonah Lomu; this year we had to stop Juju. So I selected a disciplined member with no fear of tackling hard, the hon Derek Hanekom. [Laughter.]
The inside centre must be the hon David Maynier. He is on the attack all the time! [Laughter.] He has a remarkable ability to dance and rock with the ball in hand ... [Laughter.] ... and he keeps the opposing team on their toes.
The fly half is the hon Cecil Burgess. This man keeps to the game plan at all costs! [Laughter.] He is not worried what the media thinks of his play. [Laughter.] His defence skills are not recognised by the public, but he is one of the secret weapons in the side. [Laughter.]
The scrum half is the hon Trevor Manuel. As a former All Black, he brings lot of experience to the side. [Laughter.] His ability to talk back and get out of difficult positions makes him a star! Even Jimmy Manyi now attends games in which the hon Manuel is playing. [Laughter.]
The number eight must be the hon Mosiuoa Lekota. Despite several court actions to stop him from playing, he is still playing! [Laughter.] His ability to pick up the ball from behind and create space makes many opposition teams jealous and that's why they are talking to him tomorrow! [Laughter.]
The open-side flanker is the hon Gloria Borman. Her ability to press the right button when the team needs her makes her a good choice! [Laughter.] [Applause.]
The other flanker must be the hon Pieter Mulder. His ability to hold onto the ball at that break point reminds me of his same ability to hang on to his Cabinet position! [Laughter.] And then we come to two important positions in the scrum - the two locks. The one is the hon Lindiwe Sisulu. She can take the high balls, let alone a few aeroplanes! [Laughter.] By far the best-dressed player, she is our Victor Matfield! [Laughter.]
The other lock is the hon Dene Smuts. She's great at being the number two player in the lineout. She's not afraid to take on the younger players, but she's not our Bakkies Botha. The tighthead prop is the hon Trollip. His ability to come back after a tough game and keep the scrum up is a lesson for many. [Laughter.] [Applause.] The loosehead is the hon Mario Oriani- Ambrosini. Do I need to say more? [Laughter.] He is very valuable when making lineout calls - the opposition doesn't understand him! [Laughter.]
Finally, the hooker and captain is the hon Koos van der Merwe - the oldest player. Like John Smit, he should not be in the team, but he is well- respected by other players nonetheless.
Mr Speaker, no World Cup wins are guaranteed for this team. Thank you for allowing me to play selector and, on behalf of Cope, we thank all who have contributed to keeping this Parliament working. Cope wishes all MPs and staff a joyous festive season. [Applause.]